Jones Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local Church.

"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps falling
asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will
be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at
specific times.

When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice
for you?"
he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is more...

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

It was Grandpa Jones 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit. He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. Ive been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years.""How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked."Its simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

A teacher, Mrs. Jones, asked each of her students how they
celebrated Christmas. She called first on young Patrick Murphy.
"Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?"

Patrick addressed the class "Me and my twelve brothers and sister
go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very
late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our
stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come
with all our toys."

"Very nice, Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do
at Christmas?"

"Me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad, and we sing
carols. When we get home, we put cookies and milk by the chimney
and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus
to bring our presents."

"That's also very nice, Jimmy," she said.

Realizing that there was a Jewish boy more...

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time more...