Jones Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sergeant (after a War Game): "Private Jones, didn't you realize you were exposing yourself to an imaginary enemy only 250 yards away?"

Private Jones: "That's right, Sergeant. I was standing behind that imaginary rock 25 feet high!"

At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say more...

Girl: Did you like that cake, Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Yes, very much. Girl: That's funny. My mom said you didn't have any taste.

Q: What were Clinton's first words to Paula Jones at the deposition?
A: "So now you open your mouth!"

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from themen's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hairisn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black." The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor'sfingers. "What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetlyand said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? Andthey've only been banged once."

First day of class in a rural Southern school. Teacher is calling role: "Billy Adams."
"Here."
"Susie Brown."
"Here."
She comes to "Opium Jones" and gasps. "Boy," she says, "what you name?"
"Opium Jones!" he says proudly.
"Boy," she says, "you go fetch yo' mammy to come see me."
The mother arrives.
"This boy say his name is Opium Jones," the teacher says.
"That's right," the mother says. "That's what we named him."
"But don't you know opium is a dope?" the teacher says.
"I sure do," the mother replies.
"No no no, that's not what I meant," the teacher says. "I mean, opium is illegal."
"Uh-huh," the mother says.
"No no," the teacher says. "What I mean is, opium is a seed what come from a white poppy."
"You hit more...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door." We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?" "Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." "If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked. And the cop more...