Jones Jokes / Recent Jokes

An old man in a nursing home awoke one day andtrundled down the hallway to the community breakfastroom looking rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, methim in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly andasked how he was this day. Mr. Jones allowed that not all was well; in fact, hispenis had died during the night. Ms. Smith knew thatMr. Jones was occasionally a little off mentally, soshe merely replied that she was sorry to hear the badnews and went on her way. The next morning Mr. Jones was on his way to breakfastagain but on this day he was dressed in a coat andtie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sureenough, he met Ms. Smith whereupon -- althoughsomewhat startled -- she calmly reminded him that theday before he had told her his penis had died andasked why it was hanging out of his pants. Mr. Jones replied simply, "Today is the viewing."

The company president called the chief security guard into his office.
"Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are
making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don't
belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop."
Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't' do it again."
The company president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that."
Chuck's face lit up. "Ms Jones? I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was
complaining!"

The company president called the chief security guard into his office. "Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don'tbelong. These unwanted advances will have to stop." Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't' do it again." The company president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that." Chuck's face lit up. "Ms Jones?!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!"

Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he more...

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advisednew recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, thegovernment has to pay $200, 000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don'thave a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government onlyhas to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to sendinto battle first?"