Jones Jokes / Recent Jokes

CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:
(Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p. m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p. m.
(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."

Can't Spell
Thomas Lee Jones, 24, was arrested last September for robbing a Santa Barbara restaurant with a note threatening "to shot" employees. Police set up a roadblock asking people to spell "shoot". They soon apprehended Jones.
Can't Count
In Cranston, R.I., Donald M. Thomas, 34, escaped in March after serving 89 days of a 90-day jail sentence for disorderly conduct and thus now faces up to 20 years in prison.
Brain?
Lawry Adams, 27, was arrested in Harrison, N.Y., in Jan. when he was stopped in a routine traffic check and could not produce a driver's license. He gave his brother's name (which he was unable to spell) and his brother's date of birth (but was not able to give the age that corresponds to it).

Sunday's sermon was - Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80 percent of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the minister asked.
"I don't have any." She replied. smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-Eight." She replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into thenurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to playalong with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing homewith his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said,"Mr. Smith I thought you told me your penis died"." It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"

"You were speaking much too long on the phone just now, Miss Ponsonby," said Mr.Jones.
"But it was a business call, Mr. Jones."
"Well, please don't address our clients as 'sweetikins'in the future."

One day, a salesman stopped by the Jones farm, knocked, and the farmer's wife,
Frannie, came to the door.“Is your husband home, Ma'am?” he asked.“Sure is. He's over in the cow barn.”“Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?”“Shouldn't have any difficulties... He's the one with the beard and mustache.”

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren'tprepared for the answer:In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called hisfirst witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. Heapproached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" Sheresponded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you sinceyou were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointmentto me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talkabout them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when youhaven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything morethan a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed acrossthe room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"She replied, "Why yes, I do. I 've known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. Hecan't build a normal more...