Jones Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a blonde, red, and brunette head and they each called into a radio station and had to say how many n's were in Indiana Jones. The brunette called and said three, she got the money. the red called and said three she got the money. The blonde called in and said seventy seven. He asked how did you get seventy seven? she said you know the theme song. nanananananananananananananana....

"Star Jones has finally become the skinny bitch we always talked about!" Joy Behar commented on yesterdays episode of The View as a picture of the newly svelte Jones loomed in the background. "It's wierd, it's just friggin wierd" yelled Rosie O' Donnell, who was feeling refreshed and vigorous after hanging upside down for an hour in the greenroom to "help with depression" and "to swell up my tongue so that it feels like a shlong when I give my lady-friend cunnilingous through a Dunkin' Doughnut hole".

Farmer Jones was the most negative man in the world. Farmer Smith was his next door neighbor and a very happy fellow.
"Ain't it a beautiful day?" Farmer Smith would smile
"Huh! " replied Farmer Jones "If it don't rain soon the corns going to burn"
Nest day: "Aint' it nice it's raining?" asked Farmer Smith
"Huh! If it don't stop soon the corn's going to drown" replied Farmer Jones.
One thing the two had in common was their love of duck hunting. They would compete vigoursly every and took pride in their hunting dogs. Yes, every year Farmer Jones proved to be the best man with the best dogs.
Then, one year, Farmer Smith got the best hunting dog he had ever come across.
"Just wait until Farmer Jones sees this-he's gotta say something positive"
And so they went duck hunting. As luck would have it, a flock of ducks flew overhead, Farmer Smith took a shot and a duck dropped right in the middle of the more...

Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep." You rotten bastard!" yelled the husband..."I'm going to kill you!""Wait!, said Mrs. Jones". You know that fur coat I got last winter? Well, he gave it to me. And that diamond ring we sold for $1000's? Well, he gave it to me. And remember when we couldn't aford a new car and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me. After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims..."For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here." "Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!"

Rosh Hashana was over and there was time until Yom Kippur, and Abie needed his tallis cleaned. He called his friend Max to ask what dry cleaner to take it to.
Max said, "I always take my tallis to Moishe the dry cleaner on W 4th. He only charges $4.00"
So Abie goes over to Moishe's and finds that the ownership has changed. He asks the new owner, Mr Jones, if he meets the old prices. Mr. Jones assures him that he does. Three days later, Abie goes to get his tallis and is given a bill for $24.00.
He storms at Mr Jones. "I thought you met Moishe's prices?"
"I did, " said Mr Jones, "$4.00 for the tallis, and $20.00 to get all the knots out of the fringes!"

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone. The vet asked, "Is anything happening?" The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily." The vet said, "okay" and the doctor went on the fishing trip. When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was gone?" "Pretty good." "Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?" "Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine." "Did you have any trouble?" "Well, there was just one little problem." "What was that?" "I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"

Rude Doctor
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.
They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.
Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."
Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to more...