Killer Jokes / Recent Jokes

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: Growing pot.
Now: Growing pot belly.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints, aching joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with Fidel.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed more...

It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

As many already know, and as reported on this site, Jon Benet Ramsey's killer has confessed in Bangkok. 42-year old John Mark Karr, has admitted to police that he accidently killed Jon Benet, seemingly ending the 10 year-old mystery. Thai police are being given full credit for capturing the killer. In other news, O.J. has canceled his trip to Thailand.

Two gang members were hired to rub out an uncooperative union official. The pair checked his habits and learned that every evening before he dressed for the evening, he went to the neighborhood barber shop and took a shave. This occurred at exactly 6 O'clock every evening. Accordingly, the hoods decided to knock him off just before he took his shave.
The fateful night came. The pair strategically seated themselves in front of the barber shop at five-thirty and took up their vigil. At six, they put their hands on their pistols and watched the door watched the door anxiously. But the union boss didn't come.
"He'll be here any minute. Be ready," said the experienced killer.
The thugs were beginning to worry, "Do you think he'll show?" whispered the now nervous killer.
To which his anxious youthful associate answered, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn’t accommodate her with an “after-hours” appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won’t bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird! ”
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn’t resist saying, “You stupid bird, why don’t you shut up! ”
To which the bird replied, “Killer, get him!!! ”

What hired killer never goes to jail? The exterminator.

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncountedthousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused byaccidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxidedo not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severetissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweatingand urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and bodyelectrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMOwithdrawl means certain death. Dihydrogen monoxide: 1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"3. may cause severe burns4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer more...