Weed Jokes

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him,' 'I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.

Again, he hears,' 'Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.

The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says,' 'Dad, go home, you're drunk!''

Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor.
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are more...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

IT was my first visit to Chhattisgarh and tried to show off my knowledge of plants to my Chhattisgarhi guide and mentor, Shyam Lai Chaturvedi. He listened with rapt attention while chewing paan. I point to the ipomoea and tell him that although it is a noxious weed, since it is in flower all the year round, Guru Gobind Singh gave it the name Sadaa Suhaagan-ever in marital bliss. Chaturvedi spits out betel juice and tells me that Chhattisgarhis have a more appropriate name for it. "It grows everywhere where there is garbage. You cut it down to the roots and it sprouts again. You stick a branch of it in the dust and it becomes a bush. There is no way you can get rid of it. In Hindi they call it be-sharm-without any shame. Chhattisgarhis have coined a better name for the pestilential weed: we call it paaliteeshan (politician)."

Two rednecks decide that they aren't going anywhere in life and think
they should go to college to get ahead.
The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math,
History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you
own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replies the
professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously
catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," more...