Kissing Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town.
After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd--shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.
Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars.
The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd--shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.
"That man's persistence yonder," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."
"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself voting for an asshole who hasn't the brains to come in out of the rain."
This equation should be taught in all math classes!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K =
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E =
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T =
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can more...
A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him,' What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. more...
Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the
Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practising
sitting on top of the Christmas trees. There was just one rule
they had to stick to... it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to
kiss anyone!
The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy. One day
Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella
sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said,
"Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!"
Harry the Hare was shocked. "Father Christmas doesn't allow that! he gasped. "Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight
away into Goon!"
But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and
whispered, "Don't worry, we won't get caught!"
Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked
carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no one was
looking. .. and more...
"What does love mean?" These are answers from 4 to 8 year olds.When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.
Rebecca - age 8When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths.
Billy - age 4Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
Kari - age 5Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Chrissy - age 6Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
Terri - age 4Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him to make sure the taste is OK.
Danny - age 7Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you more...
Do they put underwear on corpses?
Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on?
If a vampire were Jewish would his Sabbath start at sunrise?
Why do child labor laws not prohibit children from acting in movies?
If your eyes are crossed, do your tears fall straight?
If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
Is the vice president's wife called the second lady?
Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
Can you "zone out" and be "in the zone" at the same time?
If French kissing is a big thing in America, how do French people react to normal American kissing?
Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?
There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!" On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt." He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!" She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips. He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!" She said, "Why are you going to die??" more...