Kissing Jokes / Recent Jokes
Standardized Guide to the Bases Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about' the bases' with your friends?"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got tosecond base!"Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was secondbase? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, thebases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's aperson to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describesexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages intodays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringingbaseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romanceand with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to theBases. First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days. --First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guyI knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it more...
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."
It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway. Las Vegas: It's against the law to pawn your dentures.It's still "legal" to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property. Clark County: An ordinance makes bringing a concealable fire arm into the county illegal unless it is registered with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. In order to register a handgun, however, it must be brought in to the police station. Furthermore, you may not register a gun on the weekends, but the police may prosecute you at that time. Elko: Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask. Eureka: Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women. Nyala: A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day. In Eureka: Men who have mustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
There is a man in a hospital that thinks he will die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish.
"Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Krustchov." (you know a President of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head).
"Nikita Krustchov? But he is dead for a long time," says the nurse.
"I don't care. I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"
The nurse doesn't know what to do. Then she thinks of something. As the man did not wear his glasses, the nurse takes out of her bra her beautiful breast and offers it to the man. He holds it, caresses it, and is very moved.
"Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend! How happy I am to see you again!" he says.
He keeps kissing the breast. The begins enjoying the whole situation.
"What about kissing president Eisenhower's head?" she asks.
"Yes! Is he here too?" the man more...
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was onthe run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he foundin the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and hiswife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started tomove her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room. The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife andhissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasnt seen awoman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just goalong with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do dontfight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!""Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "Im so relieved youfeel that way. He wasnt kissing me, he was whispering to me. He toldme he thinks youre really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline inthe bathroom."
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
“ ’Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he’s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started more...
A Yankee fan, a Met fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together on the subway when the lights go out and the car goes completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap. When the subway cars lights come back on, Pamela Anderson and the Met fan are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Yankee fan is holding his slapped face. The Yankee fan is thinking, "That Met fan must have kissed Pamela and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead." Pamela is thinking, "That Yankee fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Met fan, and got slapped for it." And the Met fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the subway cars lights go out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that @!#%!! Yankee fan again."