Kissing Jokes / Recent Jokes

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he more...

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking, 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking, 'The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'
And the Irishman was thinking, 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!'

Little Johnny was only 12-years-old. He had been hearing a lot about courting from the older boys, so he asked his mother what and how it was done.
She told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This Johnny did, and this is what Johnny told his mother later.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then they turned off the lights, all but the blue one. Then the boyfriend began kissing her and putting his hand under her blouse.
"Pretty soon they began to pant and get out of breath, and then he took his hand from inside her blouse and put it under her dress. When he did this, Sis began to moan, sigh, squirm, and scoot down toward the edge of the couch, until soon she was lying down. Then he unzipped his pants and pulled out a big eel about 10" long. It was standing up and he had it in his hand to keep it from getting away. Sis started to help him and they both wrestled it. Finally, Sis held it while more...

The Roto Rooter:
Their tongue ventures so far down your throat that it actually begins to choke you.
The Rooster:
They begin to kiss you, then suddenly pull way... lean forward, then draw back!
The Swordfish:
They operate their tongue much like a swordfish uses it's snout, in a blunt and violent manner.
The Grouper:
As they kiss you, their lips (which could require their own zip code) completely engulf yours.
The Deep Sea Diver:
They rarely come up for air.
The Lizard:
Their tongue darts in and out of your mouth like a reptile probing for its next victim.
Frozen in Time:
They never change the position, posture or angle of their head. It is as if they have mastered kissing cryogenics.
The Squid:
They seem to excrete an awful flavor. All you can think of is how to slip them a breath mint.
The Wrecking Ball:
They kiss like a battering ram. Whoa, look out, here they come again!
Nick-o-Teen:
Kissing them is like more...

"I saw you kissing my sister last night!" jeered the brat to the embarrassed teenager.
"All right all right! Not so loud," said the youth. "Here`s fifty cents to keep your mouth shut."
"Gee, thank! Wait a minute and I`ll give you twenty cents change."
"Twenty cents change? What for?"
"I like to be fair," said the youngster, "and it`s the same price for everybody!"

Why PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. . That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE more...

Kissing is a habit
Fu.. is a game
The Guy gets all the pleasure
The Girl gets all the pain
The Guy says he loves you
And the girl thinks that it is true
But when the tummy starts swelling
The guy says a hell with you
16 minutes of pleasure
9 months of pain
3 days in the hospital
A child with no name
The child is a Bastard
The mother's named a Whore
This wouldn't have happend
If the Rubber hade'nt tore.....