Knocked Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day a man was sitting in his favorite chair watching football when his wife walked up behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan.
When he woke he asked, "What the hell was that for?!?"
"I found this piece of paper in your pants while I was doing your laundry and it says Mary Lou 555-5555. Who the hell is Mary Lou?!?" she asks.
"Aww honey, that's the name of the horse I was bettin' on last week!"
"Oh I'm so sorry honey!"
Three weeks later she came behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan and once again he woke up asking, "What the hell did I do this time?!?"
"Your horse called," she replied.
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "Its me, Bill Clinton". "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldnt hold that against me because I didnt inhale. And I lied, but I didnt commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, heres the deal. Well send you someplace where it is very hot, but we wont call it Hell. Youll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we wont call it eternity. And dont abandon all hope upon entering, just dont hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately more...
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the
gale.All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?""Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
My name is Bob. Driving to my office this morning on New Mexico Interstate 40 near Central & Tramway. I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a brand new Corvette, with her face up next to the rearview mirror putting on her eye makeup.
I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eye liner!!
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Krispy Kreme out of my other hand. In all the confusion, of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and the TWINS, ruined the phone and disconnected an important call.DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!
A man was driving down the road and broke down near a monastery. He went to the monastery and knocked on the door. An elderly monk answered the door, and he said, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him dinner, even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a strange sound.
The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they said, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way.
Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same monastery. The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car. That night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks replied, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man said, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. How more...
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL! WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!