Labor Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dork?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might more...

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A. Have sex once a year.Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A. Depends on what you're doing with them.Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A. Cause you're fatter then they are.Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.A. So what's your question, dork? Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain more...

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all. Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A. Have sex once a year. Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive? A. Then the jig is up. Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? A. Your therapist. Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A. If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this more...

Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you are angry with him/her.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Pre-natal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into more...

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.STERILIZE: What more...

Unlike Humorless bureaucracies, real people can have fun with:
Real Signs Found In Various Places...


Sign in a maternity clothes store:
' We are open on labor day.'

Sign on the door of the maternity ward:
' Push Push Push.'

Sign in a non-smoking area:
' If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

Sign on a front door:
' Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.'

Sign on fence:
' Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'

Sign on an electrician's truck:
' Let Us Remove Your Shorts.'

Sign in a realtor's office:
' Lots for little.'

Sign in a shoe store:
' Come in and have a fit.'

Sign in an optometrist's office:
' If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

Sign on a scientist's door:
' Gone fission.'

Sign in a taxidermist's more...

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dork?

Q. Will I love my dog less more...