Land Jokes / Recent Jokes

Theres a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, all stranded on an island.
The first day they look north for land, and they don't see anything.
The second day, they look to the south for land, but don't see anything.
The third day, they look east for land, but again, don't see a thing.
Then, finally the fourth day, they see land to the west.
First the redhead tries to swim across to land, but drown's quarter of the way.
Then, the brunette tries, but only gets half way, then drown's.
Finally the blonde tries. She swims three quarters of the way, gets tired, and swims back to the island.

Newfoundland, My Newfoundland
(Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree) by Brenna Lorenz
Convection's cell was at thy door, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Thy ancient heart to pieces tore, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Great faulted blocks came crashing down, and flood basalts the land did drown,
And clastics coarse fell all around, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland!
Iapetus began to spread, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Detritus from thy coast was shed, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Thy slope was draped, so proud and great, with massive banks of carbonate,
Grand bank to meet so sad a fate, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland!
For flysch encroaching from the east, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Devoured thy margin like a beast, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
The ocean floor was raised on high, its mafic head reared to the sky;
Its chromous threat was drawing nigh, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland!
Your once-proud bank was bowing down, more...

A number of years ago, a wealthy Texas rancher had a daughter who was about marrying age. But the rancher was afraid that someone would try to marry his daughter just for his money. So he decided to throw a party and invite all of the eligible men. At the party everyone was enjoying Texas longhorn steaks, Lone Star beer, etc.
After a while, the rancher gathered everyone over to his olympic-sized swimming pool. He and his daughter were on one side, all of the eligible men were on the other.
He announced to the men, "I have filled my pool with alligators, crocodiles, piranha, snakes, and all sorts of man-eating vermin. The first young man to jump in and make it across my pool alive receives 1 of 3 things. He may have 10,000 acres of my finest land, 5,000 head of my finest cattle, or my daughters hand in marriage."
Immediately a young man was in the pool, arms flailing, feet kicking, and waves splashing all around. He jumped out of the pool, his shirt, jeans, and more...

When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

A guy from Nebraska, a guy from Michigan, and a guy from Ohio are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a bottle and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The guy from Nebraska says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Nebraska.
"With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Nebraska was forever made fertile for farming.
The Michigan guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Michigan, so that no one can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Michigan.
The Buckeye asks, "I'm curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Buckeye says, "Fill it up with water."

Teacher(To A Boy): Give Me An Example Of Barren Land.
Boy: My Father's Head.

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself, you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamnics demand that the cat cannot smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right, you clever mortal, you have discovered the secret of anti-gravity!! A buttered cat, will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter-repulsion are in more...