Landing Jokes / Recent Jokes

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same more...

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
This is your captain banta singh welcoming you to
Punjab airways. We apolize for the four day delay in taking off,
Owing to bad weather and some overtime i had put in at the bakery.

This is flight one two six flight to new delhi.
Landing in delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in
The east. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your
Village!

Punjab airways has an excellent record for safety.
In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are
Afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure i announce that starting
This year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination.
(i presume that the other 50% were the terrorists themselves!!!)
For the ones that don't quiet make it, punjab airways staff have all
The requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our
Stewardesses bubbly and goldie will be happy to more...

A man is in a garden, when a ladder comes down from the heavens. He hears an unearthly voice saying: "Climb the ladder to success". So he goes up, and after a while, there's a really ugly woman on a landing on the side of the ladder. She says to him: "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides he rather have success.
He goes up, and sees two quite nice women sitting on a landing on the side. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides its not worth it.
He goes up again, and there are three really beautiful women on the next landing. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but realises that the women are getting much more beautiful, younger, and are increasing in number as he climbs the ladder. So he climbs the ladder, and reaches the top.
Theres a young man sitting there. "Hi, I'm Cess."

Two blonde guys were sitting around talking. After a while, the first blonde looks at the second blonde and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they run low on fuel and need to land. The blonde pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land. He sees an airstrip close by. He says his to his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up.
"Damn!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?"
Since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result. Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more more...

I just had to share this. Returning from a recent business trip I listened to a slightly "unusual" inflight safety lecture. Below are some of the bits I managed to remember...
Please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.
There are 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...
Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of a water landing, please take them with our compliments.
And, after landing:
Thank-you for flying Delta Business Express, we hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

This appeared in the Langalist courtesy of Canadian "Gerry V"
Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them more...

Two blonde guys were sitting around talking. After a while, the first blonde looks at the second blonde and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they run low on fuel and need to land. The blonde pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land. He sees an airstrip close by. He says his to his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up.
"Damn!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?"
Since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result. Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, more...