Late Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Johnny arrived at school late for class and noticed that the door was already closed. Carefully opening it, he entered the room, quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat, all the while hoping that the teacher wouldn't notice.
"Johnny," the teacher shrieked, "is that how your father would come in, late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try again, and this time, get it right!"
Little Johnny left the classroom and quietly closed the door behind him.
A moment later, he flung open the door with a bang and stomped into the room, a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. Slamming the door behind him, he put the cigarette out on the floor with his foot and said, "So baby, didn't expect ME, now did you?"

A lady ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"

The driver replied, "No, jump in!"

Billy's Mom's Letters

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot more...

Late one night the doctor received a phone call from a very distraught mother. "Doctor," she said, "could you come over immediately. My little boy has swallowed a condom."
Dressing as quickly as he could, the doctor was heading out the door when the mother called again.
"Never mind, doctor," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband found another one."

Lazzy Airlines
-Passengers on a Lazzy flight heard this announcement from the captain:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lazzy Airlines have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an annoucement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and more...

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was' Mypenis'?

Mypenis ate my homework.

Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

I love giving Mypenis a bath.

Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.

Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

Help! I can't find Mypenis!

Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!

Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.

When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.

Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...

POLITICIAN - A person who divides all available time between running for office and running for cover.
From: Lela Lowe - [email protected]
Jay Leno: "This is a rough election year.... Huffington's illegal nanny has started running negative ads against Feinstein's illegal nanny"
("Tonight," NBC, 11/4).
David Letterman: "Big election on Tuesday and that means just about now Ted Kennedy should be auditioning strippers for the victory party."
("Late Show," CBS, 11/4).
David Letterman, on the "ugly" campaign: "You look at some of these races around the country and you think it's just a damn shame somebody has to win."
Letterman: "President Clinton is the only president we've ever had who when someone holds up a baby, he doesn't know whether to kiss it or deny knowing the mother"
("Late Show," CBS, 11/7).
Jay Leno, on Huffington calling Sens. Barbara Boxer and Dianne more...