Late Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dedicated to all married scientists:
There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite
late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on
his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His wife caught
him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late.
His story:
"Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and
I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with
some rather good-looking young women, and started to drink
to excess; things just kept happening, as you can well see.
I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed
home."
She said, "YOU LIAR! YOU WERE IN THE LAB AGAIN, WEREN'T YOU???!!!"

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite

A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape

It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already
too late.

Brake more...

A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely, "Why are you so late?"
"Oh," said one boy, "we were helping an old man cross the street."
"That`s a nice thing for scouts to do," said the mother. She paused. "But it shouldn`t make you half an hour late."
"Well, you see," said another boy, "he didn`t want to go."

Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull.
Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?" Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull.Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?" Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.
After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"