Late Jokes / Recent Jokes

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Teacher: Tommy Russell, youre late again. Tommy: Sorry, sir. Its my bus - its always coming late. Teacher: Well, if its late again tomorrow, catch an earlier one.

Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got therehis teacher asked,"Why are you late little Johnny?" Johnny replied, "My grandpa got burnt, Miss." The teacher replied, "I hope it wasn't too bad." Then little Johnny said, "Don't worry, the crematorium doesn'tmuck around!"

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What`s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That`s a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."

Steve had a problem of waking up late in the morning, because it would take him hours to fall asleep each night. Subsequently, he was always late for work. This angered his boss and he threatened to fire Steve if he didn't do something about it.
So, Steve went to his doctor who gave him some pills and told him to take one before going to bed.
That night, Steve took a pill as the doctor instructed and slept very well. So well, in fact, that he beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and took his time driving to work.
"Boss, the pill really worked!" Steve said.
"That's wonderful, but where were you yesterday?" growled his boss.

An office manager had money problems had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he`d fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.
Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he`d wait see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack the manager went up to her said,
"Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don`t know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said, "Well, you`d better jack off, because I`m late for my bus."

Late For Work
The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
"My lawyer."