Lawn Jokes / Recent Jokes

Twas the night before Chirstmas
And all through the house
Everybody felt crappy
Even the mouse,
Mom at the whorehouse
And dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
For a nice piece of Ass,
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter,
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big d***
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick,
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The sucker had fell,
He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber d***
For my brother the queer,
He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of B****
Blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed
As he road out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a Hell of a Night!

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow.
Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?"
Clinton says "Give me the bad news first."
The officer says more...

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was.' 'This is a brothel,'' replied the madam.' 'Well, what's all this out on the lawn?'' queried the man.' 'Oh, we're having a yard sale today.''

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty pissed off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first."
The more...

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?"Clinton says "Give me the bad news first."The officer says "Well, we took a sample more...

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter.
Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Go" written in urine across the snow.
Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"
The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news more...

24 Signs that You're Getting OLD
1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know more...