Less Jokes / Recent Jokes

Cyber-Sex Dear John Letter:
You never know, this might come in handy one day.

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.
_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.
_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.
_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:
? __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
? __ You typed: "I more...

Less Sex
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground".It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. It is illegal to shoot game out of the window of a moving vehicle, with the exception of a whale.It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky. It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License. All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease.An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, more...

Here's a handy list to print out and carry with you at all times. Next time ya rip one and someone asks, "what was that?", you can now explain!

Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odour.

Eggy Fart Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.

Windy Fart The sort of fart which goes' Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.

Growling Fart Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.

Worrying Fart The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage more...

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the `other man`. The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S. O. B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90`s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife`s lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next. The `other man` was highly amused by the husband`s formal manner and sent the following reply: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office`s auditorium.

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________ HEIGHT________ WEIGHT__________ IQ________ GPA__________ SOCIAL SECURITY #________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________ HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE__________ ZIP_____ Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________ If NO, please explain ____________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married _______________________________ If less than your age, explain _______________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ Do you own a van? _______________ A truck with oversized tires? _______________ A waterbed? _______________ A pickup with a more...

Dating--the process of spending emormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like now, but will learn to like a lot less.
Attraction--the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
Love at First Sight--what occurs when two extremely horny people meet.
Birth Control--avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as taking a pill, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
Easy--a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
Eye Contact--a method utilized by a single woman to commmunicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
Friend--a member of the opposite sex who is unattractive or has some other flaw which makes sleeping with him/her more...