Letterman Jokes

On the "Late Show," David Letterman talks about John McCain suspending his campaign in order to solve the economic problem. It's the bailout keeping him away.

David Letterman's 10 New Slogans for Exxon:
10. We've got oil to spare.
9. Exxon: The Eastern Airlines of the sea.
8. Anybody got a tissue?
7. Breathe a word of this to anyone, and we'll kill you.
6. Keeping your children safe from blood-thirsty marauding walruses.
5. Now sardines automatically come with oil.
4. Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident.
3. If it wasn't for us, American sea gulls would be covered with foreign oil.
2. Ecosystems, schmecosystems.
1. Hey, you try drinking 3 or 4 six-packs and then steering a huge oil tanker!

Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Doing Business With The Wrong Bank10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other. 9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast. 8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon. 7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English. 6. You notice Kato Kaelin is sleeping in the vault. 5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil. 4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants. 3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos. 2. Toll-free customer service line is: 1-800-GET-HOSED. 1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez

Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.
"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head."
— Jay Leno
"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves."
— David Letterman
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard."
— David Letterman
"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll more...

Late Nite Jokes heard on T. V." There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head." - Jay Leno"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves." - David Letterman"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." - David Letterman"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our more...