Lettuce Jokes / Recent Jokes

A group of drug dealers from Mexico tried transporting 6,240 pounds of marijuana to America, by hiding it in a tanker truck disguised as a gasoline truck. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas station on the side of the truck.
A woman was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw that was not plugged in.
Police in Idaho were amused when they arrived to write up a burglary, and the homeowner told them that the thief had taken his VCR, his bong, and his stash of marijuana. The police ticketed the guy for possession of drug paraphernalia.
A girl went to a Taco Bell and asked for a taco with minimal lettuce. The guy behind the cash register said, "Sorry, we only have iceberg lettuce."
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for 3 days for giving a friend a cough drop. The principal reiterated the school's 'Zero tolerance policy.'

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. "Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered.
"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."
"What's a Midnight Special?"
"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread."
"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?"
"Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!"

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. "Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered."Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special.""Whats a Midnight Special?""A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread.""Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?""Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!"

There was this guy and girl that wanted to do it. The boy shared a room with his little brother so they went on the top bunk and he told her "
ok, if you want it harder say lettuce, if you want to change positions say tomato."
So they're up on the top bunk and the girl is saying "
lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, tomato."
over and over again.
All of a sudden the brother in the bottom bunk says "
can you guys stop making sandwiches up there, some mayo got in my eye!"

A pour man and his kid share a bunk bed, one night the man comes into bed with a women the kid is asleep, the pour man says say lettuce if you want it harder say tomato if you want it faster, the women says tomato lettuce tomato lettuce tomato lettuce, the kid wakes up and says dad stop making butties the mayonaise is going in my mouth.

FINALLY, a way to know what to throw-out and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or more...

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. "Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered. "Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special." "What's a Midnight Special?" "A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread." "Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?" "Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!"