Lettuce Jokes / Recent Jokes

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He`s going to really ticked if it`s not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn`t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all more...

There was an older brother and a younger brother sleeping in the same room. The older brother was on the top bunk and the younger brother was on the bottom bunk.
so one night the older brother brings his girl-friend over and they start doin it. So the guy says "Every time you want me to go harder yell lettuce and tomato" so all night she was saying lettuce and tomato lettuce and tomato. finally the younger brother wakes up and says "Quit makin sandwiches up there your getting mayonaise all over my face"!

One day two teenagers decided to have sex. So they went to the guys house. He shared a bunk bed with his brother -- being the older, he slept on the top bunk.

The guy said, "If you want it harder say lettuce, if you want a knew position say tomatoes." So they went on with lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes.

The little brother woke up and said, "Would you guys stop making sandwiches? You're dripping mayonnaise on me!"

BONUS DIRTY JOKE:
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King Forgot to wrap his Whopper.

there was two boys and they were brothers and they shared a bunkbed and the older one slepted on top and of coruse the little one sleped on the bottom. then the older boy had his girlfriend over.And then they ended up doing it. the boy was like instead of saying harder and softer say lettuce and tomato. So she was like lettuce lettuce lettuce tomato tomato toamto then the little brother ends up waking up and was like hurrie and make your sandwich your dripping mayonaise on my face.

Dear Diary,
Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before more...

a family consisting of a mom a dad and a son was remodeling there house. The bouys room was bieng redone so the 3 shared one room with bunk beds.
the boy was on the bottom and the parents on top. the parents wanted to have a 3 some so they invited some friends over.
The mother said " i dont want my son to know so instead of making"noises" you say lettuce tomato pickle."
well they got started and they were like lettuce tomato pickle, well the boy woke up and said "COULD YOU QUIT MAKING SANDWICHES YOUR GETTING MAYONAISE ON ME."
LOL

John was out on a date with a girl he really really liked so he asked her if she wanted to go to his house so they could have sex. So they reached his house and went up to his room. John forgot that he shared a room with his little brother Max. They had bunk beds, and John was on the top bunk. He thought to himself that they wont wake him up. So they got up on the bunk bed and did it anyway. But John told his girl Maria to be quiet, and when she wanted it harder not to moan or anything only to say lettuce, and when she wanted it faster to say tomato. So they were doing it, and Maria was going, "tomato, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce etc" Then all of a sudden, Max wakes up and says, "Will you two please stop making sandwiches up there? Your getting mayonaise on me!"