Lettuce Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce. ” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half. ”

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son? ”

“Canada, sir, ” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada, ” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores more...

One day two kids parents decided that they wanted to go on a vacation, so the youngest brother was forced to live with his older brother at college.
When the little bro showed up, the oldest brother said that it was reallly cool that he is staying here, and said that there is only one rule.
IF I COME HOME WITH A GIRL, I GET THE TOP BUNK, AND YOU HAVE TO GO STRAIGHT TO BED, AND GO TO SLEEP!
"Okay,"
"Okay,"
Later that night, the little brother, watching TV, heard his brother coming down the hall, but he heard a girls voice with him, so he did what he was told and went straight to bed.
Faking sleep, he watched the older brother and his new love Tina, go up to the top bunk.
"Tina, anytime you want me to go harder, say lettuce, and anytime you want me to change positions, say tomato."
"Haha, okay" replied Tina.
So, in the middle of the night, the little brother is awakened by loud screams of the words lettuce and more...

knock knock
whos there
lettuce
lettuce who
lettuce in and will tell you
hahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahha

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in andasked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressedwith the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir"." Oh more...

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies,
she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's
playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go
fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out
of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket,
and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic,
she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her
husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he
is loving it!
"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for more...

Following a ban on spinach, the Food and Drug Administration has now recalled lettuce for possible health risks. The FDA has also banned whole wheat bread, vitamins, and exercise.

An older woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening when she realized her husband was due home soon and she hadn't left dinner for him. Knowing how upset he got when he didn't have his dinner on time, she exclaimed "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!"She rushed home, but when she got there she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the refrigerator was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished
it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner that evening. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in 40 years of marriage. You can make this for me any old more...