Lettuce Jokes / Recent Jokes

a carrot lettuce and a dick were talking
the carrot said i have a terrible life they cook me or eat me raw
the lettuce said you think you have a terrible life they cut me up and put me in salads
the dick said you think you got it bad they wrap me up put me in a dark cave and make me do 100 push-ups

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were more...

Ok well a guy whos still in college still shares his room with his little brother. He has the top bunk and his brother has the bottom. One day him and his girlfriend come home and they go to the top bunk and you know things start heating up. Then he remembers about his little brother so he says to his girlfriend "if you want it harder say tomato and if you want a different position say lettuce". so then LETTUCE! TOMATO! LETTUCE! etc... Then his little brother wakes up and says "Hey quit making sandwiches your two, your getting mayonase all over me!"

A six-year old and a sixteen-year old shared bunk beds, the younger on the bottom bunk, the older on the top. One night, the older one waited for the younger one to go to sleep so he and his girlfriend could have sex.
When the six-year old finally fell asleep, the older one and his girlfriend began. They were starting to get a little loud, so he said, "When you want it harder say lettuce, and when you want to switch positions say tomato."
So, she said, "Lettuce... Tomato... Lettuce... Tomato."
Shortly thereafter, the 6-year old woke up and said, "Would you guys stop making sandwiches up there. The mayonnaise is dripping on me!"

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.
One night he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The big guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below, so he tells his girlfriend to whisper:
"
lettuce"
if she wants it harder and "
tomato"
if she wants a new position.
"
Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! She screams.
Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa.
PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant.
Then the little brother shouts up.
"
Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there!
You're getting mayonnaise all over my more...

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really mad if it's not on time!" she exclaimed suddenly. When she got home, she realized she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket; and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day." Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it, and they were all horrified. "You're more...

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter.

"Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered.

"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."

"What's a Midnight Special?"

"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread."

"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?"

"Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out:

"One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!"