Liar Jokes / Recent Jokes

A pastor is ending up his sermon one Sunday morning when he says, "Ok, now next week I am going to preach a sermon on lying. I want you all to read Mark chapter 17."
The next Sunday the pastor begins his sermon:
"Ok I hope we all had a good weekend. Now, let me see. Who all read Mark chapter 17?"
He waited a few minuets as he watched the entire congregation raise their hands.
"Well, since Mark only has 16 chapters, let me begin my sermon on lying!"

FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN
40-ish... 48 Adventurer... Has had more partners than you ever will Athletic... Flat-chested Average looking... Ugly Beautiful... Pathological liar Contagious Smile... Bring your penicillin Educated... College dropout Emotionally Secure... Medicated Feminist... Fat; ball buster Free spirit... Substance user Friendship first... Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun... Annoying Gentle... Comatose Good Listener... Borderline Autistic New-Age... All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned... Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded... Desperate Outgoing... Loud Passionate... Loud Poet... Depressive Schzophrenic Professional... Real Witch Redhead... Shops the Clairol section Reubenesque... Grossly Fat Romantic... Looks better by candle light Voluptuous... Very Fat Weight proportional to height... Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate... One step away from stalking Widow... Nagged first husband to death Young at heart... Toothless crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE more...

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

BECOME A BETTER LIAR
IT'S EASY!
Just follow these 12 steps.
First of all, minimize your lies. If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.
Try to cry while you're lying. Everyone believes someone who's crying.
Always swear to god (not God with a capital "G"... you'll be punished severely!) Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.
Emphasize each word (e.g. I... SWEAR... TO... gOD!!!)
Break something (a dish or a vase) if you detect that the listener is even remotely doubting you.
Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this". Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best friends always side with you whether you're lying or not.
Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib, you'll stutter.
Never stutter!
Never stay in the same city for more than a few months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to 3 months on the average.
Don't take chances on lies that can be easily more...

Subject: Truth in Advertising

List of Abbreviations in the WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds
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CODE WORD INTERPRETED AS:

40-ish 48
Adventurer Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate Possessive
Artist Unreliable
Athletic Flat chested
Average looking Ugly
Beautiful Pathological liar
Commitment-minded Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile Bring your penicillin
Educated College dropout
Emotionally Secure Medicated
Employed Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera Snob
Enjoys Nature Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty Would frighten a Martian
Feminist Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure One paycheck from the street
Free spirit Substance user
Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as more...