Light-bulb Jokes

Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a saxophone?
A: Vibrato.
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about
how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad,
but I could've done better."
Q: How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?
A: Put some sheet music in front of him.
So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches his everlasting
reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with
this combo, OK? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist
named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up
with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this
good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not more...

Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA more...

Jean-Claude and Michelle are a couple living in France. One day, Jean- Claude comes home from work and Michelle says: "Jean-Claude, today ze light-bulb, it has gone out. You must fix it for me." "What am I? Electricien?" The next day, Jean-Claude comes home from work and Michelle says: "Jean-Claude, today ze carpet eet eez dirty, you must beat eet for me." "What am I? Carpet-beater?" The very next day, Jean-Claude comes home from work and Michele says: "Oh, Jean-Claude, today your friend Pierre came over. He changed ze light-bulb and he beat ze carpet for me." Jean-Claude seemed angry: "Oh, but I know zis Pierre. He never does anysing for nossing. What did he want?" "He gave me 2 choices: he said I can bake him a cake or... sleep wiss heem." "Which one did you choose?" "What am I? Baker?"

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've done better."

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?

Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. more...