Lights Jokes / Recent Jokes

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?
Six's Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. (He is rarely wrong on these things.) We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of "Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree." "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."
"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
"What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"
"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."
"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."
"Give me more...

A man goes into a pet store to buy his wife a gift. He asks the clerk for something special. The clerk walks over to the bird section. "This is Ches. He was trained to sing Christmas carols. Watch."
The clerk lights a match and puts it under one of Ches' feet. The parrot immediately starts to sing 'Jingle Bells'.
"Why that's amazing!", exclaims the guy.
The clerk lights another match, and puts it under the other foot. This time the parrot starts singing 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.'
By this time the man is sold on the parrot, and so he pays the clerk and takes the parrot home to his wife. He lights a match and demonstrates Ches' unique ability. The guy then lights a second match and does the same thing. The wife and the guy enjoy the evening with their new pet.
A couple of days later, the wife asks the man, "What would happen if you put a match between his feet?"
The guy shrugs his shoulders and walks over to Ches, lights a more...

Why did the teacher put the lights on? Because the class was so dim!

The UNIX Philosophy
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
other numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
driver makes a mistake, a GIANT? lights up in the center of the
dashboard. "The experienced driver," says he, "will usually know
what's wrong."
Original source unknown; found on Joseph Evans' (Electrical and
Computer Engineering professor at Kansas University) door.

A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down.

He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him.

Eventually a Lamborghini Countach pulls up."Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.

"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countach replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stoplight and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10.

The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countach to race.

The Countash rev's its engine and the light turns green.

They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not more...

In the far reaches of the Canadian wilderness, a new arrival at the lumberjack camp was settling down for the night in the men's dormitory with the rest of the guys after his first day on the job. The lights were turned off and suddenly he hears one guy call out "Twenty three!"... there is a roar of laughter from all the beds around the room, and another guy calls out "Forty seven"... more laughter follows. This goes on for a few more minutes until finally everyone settles down and goes to sleep.
The next morning, the newbie asks one of the other lumberjacks what all the laughter and numbers was about. He is told that they have all been there for so long at this camp, that they know all the jokes, and that each one is merely given a number... so when it comes to joke telling after lights-out, it is just a simple case of saying the number of the joke that is being told.
So, that evening, after lights-out, the same thing happens.. "Eighteen!"... and more...

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a
neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and
dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn
off. Each time after the lights would go out the place
would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the
nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please
use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should. "
"Why not? " the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his
most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
"Nonsense, " said the nun, "I'll just look the other way. "
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the
stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few
minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping
with music and dancing again. more...