Lights Jokes / Recent Jokes

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Whoturned on the fucking lights!""Oh, no sir," the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights.'"

Statistics compiled by MAD Magazine Issue 228, January 1982. (Dated but still a relevant source). 40% - Presents. 6% - Presents with no useful functions. 4% - Presents with a function, but which will never be used. 10% - Presents the recipient will say they like, but really hate. 11% - Presents you really want for yourself, and plan to use after the intended recipients get tired of them. 6% - Presents for people you hate, but feel you have to buy for. -Presents the recipients will really like. 3% - T-shirts with writings on them. 21% - Decorations. 6% - Christmas tree (less if you're really cheap and wait till Dec. 24th to buy it!). 1% - Christmas tree lights to replace the ones that burned out last year. 1% - Christmas tree lights to replace the ones you stepped on this year. 2% - Christmas tree ornaments. 3% - Christmas tree ornaments hangers (includes the gas for that extra trip you always have to make back to store because there weren't enough hangers supplied with the ornaments). more...

Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree.
The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Husband (2): Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Five months of bills,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
3: more...

A man wandered into a doctor's consulting rooms and asked if could see the doctor. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it was Christmas Eve and she was waiting to turn off the Christmas lights in the waiting room and go home; but he was very insistent. So the Doctor, having had completed all his consultations for the day and feeling in a' good will to men' mood, agreed to see him.
The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.
"How can I help you?" said the doctor.
"Well, it's like this" said the man. "I keep thinking I'm a moth".
"A moth?"
"Yes" the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a moth".
"Well I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist".
"That's what I've been thinking" replied the man.
"Well, as it happens, I know more...

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know more...

Herolal is driving with Bhola as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspects that his turn signal may not be working.
He asks Bhola if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. Bhola steps out and stands in front of the car.
Herolal turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it working?"
To which Bhola responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."

One man may not back into a parking spot becasue it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate. Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads. Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans. Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide. State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post. Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest. A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17. It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday. Drinks on the house are illegal. It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks. A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2. 1-21-13(b) Smoking in the state more...