Lights Jokes / Recent Jokes

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die." That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out. When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place." When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights more...

Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays. Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.

Leaving the pub after drinking heavily, this fellow got into his car and decided that the best thing for him to do would be to follow the rear lights of another car that was just pulling out. Everything was fine for about three miles when the lights of the car in front went out and the drunk driver smashed into the back of it. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing turning your lights off? It’s pitch black, ” shouted the drunk driver. “What the hell do you expect me to do? ” came the answer. “I’m in my own garage. ”

I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, It didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering.

I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines!"

Two blondes are driving in a car. All of a sudden, the car slows down to a stop. The driver tells the passenger to get out and check if the lights are working. The passenger gets out and the driver turns on the blinker. The passenger resonds"Yes....no... yes... no... yes..."

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.She figured she would break him of this crazy habit.So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid.
She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of having sex, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a cucumber. She gets completely upset.
"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly " I am going to be able to explain the cucumber, a lot easier than you are going to be able to explain our three kids."