Lights Jokes / Recent Jokes
40% Presents:
6% Presents with no useful functions.
4% Presents with a function, but which will never be used.
10% Presents the recipient will say they like, but really hate.
11% Presents you really want for yourself, and plan to use after
the intended recipients get tired of them.
6% Presents for people you hate, but feel you have to buy for.
3% T-shirts with writings on them.
* Presents you really like and can use
* Too small a % to be statistically significant.
21% Decorations:
6% Christmas tree (less if you're really cheap and wait till
Dec. 24th to buy it!).
1% Christmas tree lights to replace the ones that burned out
last year.
1% Christmas tree lights to replace the ones you stepped on
this year.
2% Christmas tree ornaments.
3% Christmas tree ornament hooks (includes the gas for that
extra trip you always have to make back to store because
there weren't enough more...
On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured more...
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.Two words: Chicken suit.Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.Laugh a lot. A whole lot.Stop at the green lights.Go at the red ones.Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.Eat food that requires silverware.Pass cars, then drive very slowly.Sing without having the radio on.Honk frequently without motivation.Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.Ask people for Grey Poupon.Let pedestrians know who's boss.Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.Restart your car at every stop light.Hang numerous more...
A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.
At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.
He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off.
He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.
The cop was dumbfounded.
'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.
'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of
the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?
Psychiatrists claim the other two danger zones are teaching your
mate to drive and wallpapering. They are rarely wrong on these
things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things
Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
-- "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy.
You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow,
red, red, green, blue..."
-- "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
-- "What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them
away every year? Tie them in knot?"
-- "Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry
that sucker."
-- "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't
just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse more...