List Jokes / Recent Jokes
Things only a Mother can Teach
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you. .. Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your more...
Signs you've grown up!
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6: 00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as' dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
A Short list of nevers:
Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the' Mayflower Madam'
Never say' Oops' in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words' large' or' size' with' rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me on this. -Tim Allen
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous
Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang
Never invoke more...
So these two men arrive in heaven at the same time. Saint Peter asks them to step forward and give their name and occupation. The first man steps up and says, "I'm Jim Walzcek, Taxi Driver.
Saint Peter reviews his list, "Ah, yes". Hands him a silk robe, hands him a gold staff and welcomes him to heaven.
The next man steps forward and says," I'm Gene Nelson and I was a Lutheran minister for 43 years".
Saint Peter reviews his list,' Ah, yes". Hands him a cotton robe, passes him a wooden staff and welcomes him to heaven.
The minister, looking a bit taken aback, says, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful but the man in front of me received silk and gold".
Saint Peter replied, "We judge by results. While you preached people slept, while he drove people prayed.
Signs you've grown up!
1. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
2. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
3. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
4. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p. m.
5. Dinner and a movie - it's the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
6. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
7. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
8. A $4. 00 bottle of wine is no longer' pretty good stuff'.
9. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
10. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho's.
11. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
12. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
13. You more...
Arkansas Governor Application First name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________Address (where you live):Mother's name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________Birthdate(yours):____________________Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck: Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( ) Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( ) Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )How far can you throw cow pies? __________ Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )Wife's name:__________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( ) Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( ) Right hand( )Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( ) Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )How much smarter than you is your wife: more...
DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be consumed separately. Although soon to be discontinued, a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.
Mac Beer
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call the brewery to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know. ” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can.
Windows 3. 1 Beer
The world’s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer’s. Requires that you already own more...