List Jokes / Recent Jokes

New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women
1... Combating Stupidity
2... You, Too, Can Do Housework
3... PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4... How to Fill an Ice Tray
5... We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6... Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4: 00am
7... Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8... Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9... Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10... How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
11... Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12... Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13... You: The Weaker Sex
14... Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake After Sex

New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women
1... Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
2... Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
3... You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
4... The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
5... I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
6... How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
7... "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
8... Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
9... How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
10... The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
11... Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
12... Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
13... Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too
14... Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
15... You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
16... Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't more...

Top 10 Bumper Stickers!
1... Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

2... If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

3... My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

4... To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

5... Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

6... I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

7... Illiterate? Write For Help

8... If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong

9... Cat: The Other White Meat

10... Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

1,222! 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed;28 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and explain how the light bulb could have been changed differently;14 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;149 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list;111 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to litebulb-list;112 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list;309 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;26 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs;15 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs;4 to post about links they found from more...

Sure signs that you're broke!
1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

7. You rob Peter... and then rob Paul.

8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

10. Your bologna has no first name.

11. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

12. Sally Struthers sends you food.

13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

14. At communion you go back for seconds.

Other Things Mama Told Me
Not to cuss.
Not to cohabitate.
Not to use that language.
Not to go in the first place.
Not to invest in Telecom stocks.
Not to date sluts.
Not to eat with my hands.
Not to drink from the filthy bucket.
Not to train octopi.
Not to beat myself with slotted spoons.
Not to mix plaids and stripes.
Not to wiggle.
Not to beat eggs for an omelet during Uncle Freddie's funeral.
Not to save and collect my empty enemas.
Not to smell my feet.

To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code ListCode Number Explanation ---------- ----------- 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks more...