Listen Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why didn't the piglets listen to the teacher pig? Because he was an old boar.

We're too late! It's already been here. Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls
decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

You really think someone's been here?

Someone, or something.

Mulder, over here -- it's a fruitcake.

Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

It's O. K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Who? What are you talking about?

Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

But that's more...

- "The more we sweat in training, the less we bleed on the streets."
- "Your life is not my fault."
- "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
- "Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
- "Remember, when you gotta cuff' em, nobody is your friend."
- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- "That says POLICE, not taxi!"
- "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?"
- "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
- "You can't outrun a radio."
- "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
- "Someone, somewhere is practicing. If you're not, and someday, if you more...

Those who want to learn listen; those who know it all interrupt.

"May I have your name, please?"
"My name's Myne."
"What?"
"My name is Myne."
"Uh... I know your name is yours but..."
"Wait, who told you my name is Yores?"
"What? I think I said your name is yours..."
"You think you know my name better than me?"
"Oh, no, of course, that's why I said your name is yours..."
"Hey, listen, now I'm telling you, my name is not Yores..."
"Sure, that's just what I said!"
"OK, then forget it, now you got my name?"
"Sorry no, what's your name again please?"
"My name is Myne."
"Yes, yours, I know..."
"Not Yores, Myne. Myne, did you hear?"
"Yes, I do, I know that. But does that mean you won't tell your name?"
"What? And you said you heard it right! I already told you."
"Then why are you always saying your name more...

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones` mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn`t you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath`s mother died. You`d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time more...

Two best friends were staying at a hotel.Their room was on the tenth floor. One day, because the lift was under repair, they started climbing the stairs. On reaching the first floor, one friend remembered something and said -
First Friend: Hey listen! I want to tell you something.
Second Friend: Go on, speak.
First friend: No, no, you may get angry. I'll tell you later.
This conversation happened whenever they reached a floor.
Finally, when they reached in front of their room -
First Friend: Hey listen! I want to tell you something.
Second Friend (irritated): Please speak then.
First Friend: Friend, we forgot to collect the keys from the desk.