"Things Overheard From Cops On The Beat" joke

- "The more we sweat in training, the less we bleed on the streets."
- "Your life is not my fault."
- "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
- "Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
- "Remember, when you gotta cuff' em, nobody is your friend."
- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- "That says POLICE, not taxi!"
- "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?"
- "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
- "You can't outrun a radio."
- "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
- "Someone, somewhere is practicing. If you're not, and someday, if you should meet, you will lose."
- "Every dog has it's day. Good dogs have two."
- "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
- "I'd rather have the gear and not need it than need the gear I don't have."
- "If its worth stopping, its worth writing."
- "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
- "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
- "Listen with your ears, not with your mouth."
- "Some people are meant to be cops, and some people are meant to call the cops."
- "God made tomorrow for the crooks we don't catch today."
- "God must love stupid people,' cause he sure made a lot of them."
- "Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
- "Law abiding citizens sleep peacefully in their beds, solely because, dedicated men and women stand ready to do violence in their behalf."
- "In God we trust, all others we run NCIC."
- "Just how big were those two beers?"
- "Uh. .. yes, Chief, it only appeared as if I wasn't paying attention to your speech. Actually, you inspired me to meditate on the mission statement and envision a new paradigm."
- "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
- "I know, I know! Your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention center."
- "I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
- "You might beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride."
- "We don't hire cops in this department, we hire common sense and make cops from it."
- "Shoot them until they think they're dead."
- "I don't believe they should use the electric chair, they need to use electric bleachers."
- "Handcuffs aren't designed for comfort."
- "Your arrest. You catch' em, you clean' em."
- "No, Chief, I swear. .. it was my day off."
- "There are no dress rehearsals and this is the big time."