Worth Jokes

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he more...

Three guys enter a candy store. The first guy approaches the clerk and asks for 10 cents worth of jellybeans.
Since the jellybeans are on the top shelf, the clerk goes into another room, brings out a ladder, gets the jellybeans down, takes out 10 cents worth, puts the jellybeans back on the top shelf, and puts the ladder away.
Then, he goes to the second guy and asks what he wants. He, too, wants 10 cents worth of jellybeans.
So, the clerk goes into the other room, brings out the ladder, gets the jellybeans down and takes out 10 cents worth. Before putting them back up on the top shelf, he turns to the third guy and asks, "Do you want 10 cents worth of jellybeans?"
"No, thank you," he replies.
Hearing that, the clerk puts the jellybeans back up on the top shelf and puts the ladder away.
He returns to the third guy and asks, "So, what would you like?"
"I'd like 5 cents worth of jellybeans!" he replies.

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she talks about materials; So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?" Little Steve raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because it is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nod and called on Jane. Little Jane said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher smiled and then called on little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom had two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

At the Gym For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. Day 1 They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6: 00 a. m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics more...

#1 Once you have their money... never give it back.
#3 Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
#6 Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
#7 Keep your ears open.
#8 Small print leads to large risk.
#9 Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
#10 Greed is eternal.
#13 Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
#16 A deal is a deal... until a better one comes along.
#18 A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
#19 Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
#21 Never place friendship above profit.
#22 A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
#27 There's nothing more dangerous than an honest business man.
#31 Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother... insult something he cares about instead.
#33 It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
#34 Peace is good for business.
#35 War is good for business.
#40 She can touch your lobes but never your latinum.
#41 Profit is it's own more...