Listen Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls more...

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.Scully: You really think someone's been here? Mulder: Someone or some thing.Scully: Mulder, over here-it's fruitcake. Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? What are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.Scully: But that's legend, Mulder-a more...

When a bull wants to listen to a cassette, what does he put on his head? Steer phones!

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided more...

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister more...

What girls say and their real meanings (in parentheses)
1) Can't we just be friends?
(There is no way in hell i am going to let any part of your body touch any part of my body again.)
2) I just need some space.
(..... without you in it.)
3) Can you help me with my homework?
(If I keep whinning, the fool will do it for me.)
4) Do I look fat in this dress?
(We haven't had a fight for a while.)
5) No, pizza's fine.
(Cheap bastard.)
6) I just do not need a boyfriend now.
(I just do not want you as a boyfriend.)
7) I don't know; what do you want to do?
(I can't believe that you have nothing planned.)
8) Come here.
(My puppy does this too.)
9) I like you but.........
(I don't like you.)
10) You never listen.
(You never listen.)
11) We're moving too quickly.
(I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend.)
12) I'll be ready in a more...

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system. SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed.................................................. 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... - 1 You leave the toilet seat up...................................... - 5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.................. 0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....... - 1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly more...