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It seems an old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until well into the night, she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with the old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind hooves, caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement. But, when a man mourner apporoached him, he would listen for minute and then shake his head in disagreement. This pattern was so consistent, that the more...

A MAN`S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven`t had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA`S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON`T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don`t want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON`T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can`t believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don`t like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I`LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I`m ready, but I`m going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I`LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I`m just being nice; there`s no way I`m going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I`M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We`re gonna make fun of you and your friends.

Policeman: Now, sir, how did you come to have this accident?
Motorist: Well, the sign just there says, Stop? Look? Listen. And while I was doing that the train hit me.

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road
They pass each other
Woman yells out her window, "PIG!"
Man yells out his window, "BITCH!"
Man rounds next curve
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
Thought For The Day: If only men would listen.

I can’t sleep
"Listen to me, Mr. Levy," said the doctor. "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know, but I can`t," said Herb Levy. "My wife refuses to sleep alone."

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here." "You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. "The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!" "And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" "I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties." The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you." As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said' DiMaggio'?"

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldnt you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGraths mother died. Youd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for more...