Listen Jokes / Recent Jokes

A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, “what’s the problem officer? ” To which the policeman responded, “I stopped you for running that red light behind you. ” Just then the man’s wife leaned forward from the driver’s seat and said with a very loud voice, “I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going. ”
The man then turned to his wife and yelled “Shut up stupid! ” The policeman continued, “And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m. p. h. and the speed limit is only 30. ” His wife then leaned forward again and squawked “I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me. ”
And again the man shouted at his wife “Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP! ”
The policeman then looked at the woman and said “does he always talk to you this way? ”
To which the woman responed, “Only when he more...

A little blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! It's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blond?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K! It's good "innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"

"Yes darling it's because you're blond.

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her more...

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was
writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind.
Please forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
"Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior
Citizens Luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to
know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of
pieces. It was awful and she was in more...

Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time more...

' The Xmas-Files'
by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely

57 Elm Street
Bethlehem, Pa.
11:51 p.m., December 24th.


'We're too late! It's already been here.'

'Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.'

'Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.'

'You really think someone's been here?'

'Someone, or something.'

'Mulder, over here--it's a fruitcake.'

'Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.'

'It's O.K. There's a note attached:' Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.''

'It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.'

'Who? What are you talking about?'

'Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once a year, near the winter more...

There was a man who worked all of his life and had saved his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything. Just before he died, he said to his wife. "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to more...