Lively Jokes

Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas.
One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began:
"911, what is your emergency?"
"Osifer, I've been robbed!"
"Can you be more specific sir?"
"Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."
"Could you please repeat that sir?" By now there's a crowd gathering around the dispatcher's chair.
"Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel."
"Sir, what is your location?"
"I'm in my car."
"Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?"
"Yes, shur. I'm on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!"
"Alright, sir, we'll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm."
The

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Fort Worth, Texas:Lee Lively thought he was doing the right thing when he shot a drunken driving suspect who had beaten up a policeman and was running away.His faith was shaken when Jesus Puentes demanded $1.7 million for his wounds.But the jury said Puentes is the one who must pay - $1.75 million in punitive damages and $1,000 for Cpl. Randy Whisenhunt's injuries."We just wanted to make a statement. We're tired of the frivolous lawsuits that are plaguing our court system," juror Elsie Bowles said.February 17, 1990, Lively saw Puentes grabbing for Whisenhunt's gun. The officer managed to knock it away, but ended up with Puentes sitting on his chest, beating his face.Lively said he leaped out of his truck and beat Puentes to the gun. As Puentes began to run, Lively said he shouted twice for him to stop, then shot him twice in the legs.

A married man we know quite well relaxed on a recent business trip by enjoying a lively weekend with a lively blonde. Not long after returning to the home office, however, a rather shifty individual paid him a visit and said, with the nasty innuendo of a professional blackmailer, "Remember that trip you took? Remember that blonde?" The answer to both questions was

"Yes."

"Well, mister," said the unsavory one, "it just so happens that I have photographs of everything that you and her did."

"Everything?" gulped our friend.

"Everything! See?" He spread a half-dozen highly detailed snap­shots on the desk and after giving them a chance to make the proper impression, asked, "What are you gonna do about it, mister?"

"Well," drawled our friend coolly, "I'll take one of these, two of those, and five of this one over here. Can I have them tinted?"

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Fort Worth, Texas: Lee Lively thought he was doing the right thing when he shot a drunken driving suspect who had beaten up a policeman and was running away. His faith was shaken when Jesus Puentes demanded $1. 7 million for his wounds. But the jury said Puentes is the one who must pay -- $1. 75 million in punitive damages and $1, 000 for Cpl. Randy Whisenhunt's injuries."We just wanted to make a statement. We're tired of the frivolous lawsuits that are plaguing our court system," juror Elsie Bowles said. February 17, 1990, Lively saw Puentes grabbing for Whisenhunt's gun. The officer managed to knock it away, but ended up with Puentes sitting on his chest, beating his face. Lively said he leaped out of his truck and beat Puentes to the gun. As Puentes began to run, Lively said he shouted twice for him to stop, then shot him twice in more...

A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bullshave fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for oldtimes' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture, he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one ofthe old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,"Why are you doing that?"The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows!"