Lock Jokes / Recent Jokes

There aren't too many TV shows that dare to tackle the topic of The Mother-In-Law. So, here are a few suggestions for new story lines for some of the current hit TV shows.
1. Oprah: Dr. Phil discusses the phenomenon of "Reverse Claustrophobia" (the uncontrollable desire to lock yourself in a room or closet when your MIL visits.)
2. House of Fashion: Today's topic - This Old Bag
3. Daughters-in-law and Order - Special Victims Unit: Investigators probe horrid offenses committed by MILs that have left the victims devastated, and destroyed lives.
4. Survivor: Stay at home and vote to keep the MILs on the island forever.
5. Home Shopping Club: DIL SURVIVAL KIT - Items for sale include a new lock and key for your front door, duct tape, caller ID boxes, and ear plugs.
6. MIL Family Feud: Most of us have been playing this game since we got engaged. Whenever you say something, your MIL tries to top it.
7. WWF: See the champ in the ring with your MIL. Can more...

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily."I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of more...

A man walks along a lonely beach.
Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks.
Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches,
he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to
destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of
gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest
and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to
one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts.
Everybody is quiet when the croupier more...

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT !

Diary of an AOL User.
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. more...

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

S.C. Anderson
PO Box 1302
Minnetonka, MN 55345
Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016
Dear Sir:
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21A.(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put 'Stupidity'. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and more...