Lock Jokes / Recent Jokes

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Lock!
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

A drunkard was coming home from a local liqour shop late at night. He lived alone and locked his house whenever he went out.
As he neared his house he took out his key to open the lock, but he could not manage to put the key into the hole.
After trying this repeatedly, he was tired.
A neighbour who was witnessing the scene took pity on him and said, "Give me the key I will get it open for you."
The drunkard looked for a while, and said to him, "The lock will be opened by me, but do me a favour, please hold the house firmly, while I do the rest. Damn it, it is shaking like a pendulum."

Here's one people can tell to their grandmothers:
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very
successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the
world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was
admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning
he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's
quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece
of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it
back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a
treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated
about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest,
the first mate led the entire crew more...

Due to the very high risk of someone trying to get into Michael Jackson's coffin, the Jackson family has decided to add a lock to Michael's coffin.
Due to the sex offender law in California it needs to be a child safety lock just in case.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away." The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer. The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy. The Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes. Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather drunk. Finally, they release the Polak, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a light?"

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday nightbath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily.' I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued,' And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal more...