Lock Jokes / Recent Jokes

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q. Officer, who provided this description?A. The officer who responded to the scene.Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?A. Yes sir, with my life.Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?A. Yes sir, we do.Q. And do you have a locker in that room?A. Yes sir, I do.Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?A. Yes sir.Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?A. You see sir, we share the building more...

Subject: Father John

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister
Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way
the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed
not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he
told her to do, and pray.


The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've
been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the
old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to
wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between
his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."


"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.


Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the more...

(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016Dear Sir: This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the more...

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

The guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Jokes to play on fellow Astronaughts when aboard the new Space station....

Break the radio and say that while everyone was sleeping there was nuclear battle and everyone is now dead.

look out the window any scream "We're being boarded!!"

Uncouple the Japanese section, and as they float away helplessly yell "That's for Pearl Harbour!!..."

Use the Canada arm to start punching the Russian space shuttle and then exclaim that "they were asking for it with all their freakin' late-night cooking smells"

Flush a crew member out the air lock and tell everyone he was an alien planning1 to kill everyone and that you saved them from being cocooned!

Lock someone outside and tell him you won't let them in until he guesses the right number between 1-million. Then tell him you were only kidding and testing his resilience under pressure, and let him in just before his air runs out.

Dump a bottle more...

In early years of World War II, three soldiers were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison.
However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five
years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."
The first one says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him
away with his beer.
The second one says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him
away with his brandy.
The third one says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!" His wish is granted, and they lock
him away with his cigarettes.
Five years later, toward the end of the war, the Germans come to release the three prisoners. First,
they release the one who asked for beer. He staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the one
who asked for brandy. He also rolls out rather more...