Longer Jokes / Recent Jokes
You’ll no longer have to suffer the disappointment of thwarted ambitions – you no longer have any. You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years. You’ll be the champ at history questions in the pub quiz. You can embarrass your family by entering glamorous granny or good-looking grandfather competitions. You don’t need to make an effort anymore – people will expect you to be frumpy, boring and cantankerous. Your failing memory allows you to convince yourself that you’re a super sex machine. You’ll be able to talk incessantly about the good old days. Your failing eyesight saves you the anguish of seeing your disintegrating body.
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional more...
Q: Why should you be careful at Christmas?
A: There are mince spies about!
Q: Why did the duck cross the road?
A: to quack open the ice!
Q: What is a mum's favourite Christmas carol?
A: Silent Night!
Q: What happened to the man who shoplifted a calender at Christmas?
A: He got 12 months!
Q: What kind of candle burns longer?
A: No candles burn longer, they all burn shorter!
Q: Why is it always cold at Christmas?
A: Because it is Decemberrrrrrrrrrr!
Q: Who's impossible to overtake at Christmas?
A: The three wide men!
Q: What carol is heard in the desert?
A: Camel ye Faithful!
Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: Tinselitus!
Q: What do you give a railway station master for Christmas?
A: Platform Shoes!
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:' 'These toys insured by more...
WOMEN'S RIGHTS
The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.
The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
(The crowd cheered).
The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.
(The crowd more...
1. Apple's stock only rose 25% last week.
2. Bill Gates's birthday now a paid holiday for Apple employees.
3. Default Mac startup sound changed to "Taps."
4. Wall Street brokers have stopped using Apple stock certificates as toilet paper.
5. Apple's new slogan: "Almost as good as Windows!"
6. Apple has been bent over with its pants dropped for so long now, even a geek like Bill Gates was bound to get lucky.
7. Cute rainbow-colored apple now inhabited by cute rainbow-colored worm.
8. Microsoft comes out with an operating system incorporating Mac technology... uh, wait a minute...
9. Phone and utilities mysteriously start working again at Apple's corporate HQ.
10. Steve Jobs seen tending bar at the Gates' private lawn party.
11. Diners in Microsoft's staff cafeteria can now enjoy their apple pie purely for its wholesome goodness and no longer as a symbolic act of global domination.
12. Unsold Newtons used as cobblestones in more...
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: You don’t know how? Good!
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a longer fight.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
A: Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.
Q: What’s the difference between more...