Loose Jokes

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down outside a bar on the street curb.
A police officer watched him closely. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the police and asked, "Hey, Mr. Policeman, what causes arthritis?"
The policeman responded, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be darn," the drunk said, returning to his paper.
The police officer, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man with his night stick and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Mr. Policeman. I was just reading here that the chief of police does".

Ask the following to a Blonde to see if she is a DUMB BLONDE or a smart blonde…yeah right…
1. Who do want to be most like in life:
A. Vanna White
B. Michelle Fiefer
C. Britney Spears
E. None of the Above

2. In a game of Hide-And-Go Seek, do you:
A. Run when you see the seeker
B. Stay hiding until the seeker finds you
C. Run when the seeker sees you
E. Follow the seeker quietly

3. What happens when you get Alzheimers Disease
A. You loose alot of weight
B. Gain weight
C. Get really smart
D. Loose your memory

4. How do you kill a bird:
A. Hit it
B. Throw it off a building
C. Cook it
D. All of the above

5. What’s an important question about pregnancy
A. Is it mine
B. How far along am I
C. Is it a boy or girl
D. What hospital should I go to for delivery

Don’t read them this more...

Shingles were loose on Pennocks roof, and he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor. "Why dont you mend the roof?" asked Barton. "I cant today," Pennock replied. "Its pouring rain.""Well, why dont you patch it in dry weather." "It dont leak then!"

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."
The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who might be the woman you were with?"
"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O' Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've more...

Lights not burning too bright. Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top. Like a loose-leaf folder in winter. Like a one-armed man climbing a rope. Likes dunking for french fries. Little red choo-choo's gone chugging' round the bend / jumped the track. Lives in La-la-land. Lives in the same world, but a different universe. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. Long on dry wall, short on studs. Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room. Looks for the "Any" key. Loose chip on the microprocessor board. Loose wire to his headset/ringer. Low on thinking gas. Low-bandwidth as an information source. Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps. Made a career out of mid-life crisis. Mainspring's wound too tight. Makes a black hole look bright. Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good. Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written. Mental software is Version 1. 0 / still in beta test. Mentally qualified for handicapped parking. Metronome needs oil. Might still be more...