Loose Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ask the following to a Blonde to see if she is a DUMB BLONDE or a smart blonde...yeah right...1.Who do want to be most like in life:A.Vanna WhiteB.Michelle FieferC.Britney SpearsE.None of the Above2.In a game of Hide-And-Go Seek, do you:A.Run when you see the seekerB.Stay hiding until the seeker finds youC.Run when the seeker sees youE.Follow the seeker quietly3.What happens when you get Alzheimers DiseaseA.You loose alot of weightB.Gain weightC.Get really smartD.Loose your memory4.How do you kill a bird:A.Hit itB.Throw it off a buildingC.Cook itD.All of the above5.What's an important question about pregnancyA.Is it mineB.How far along am IC.Is it a boy or girlD.What hospital should I go to for deliveryDon't read them this part:Results:1.A=5pts.B=3pts.C=2pts.D=1pt.2.A=4B=5C=2D=33.A=4B=3C=5D=14.A=3B=5C=4D=15.A=5B=1C=3D=2TOTAL:20 =Official Dumb Blonde; 15-19=Pretty Dumb; 10-14=Not Bad; 9-Smart for a Blonde

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"
The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?"
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
The more...

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?" The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" Th e pirate snapped, "It was the more...

LYRICS:
Simply take one word or phrase from each of the three columns below, in order to make one line. Repeat randomly four times. Repeat process again twice to make chorus. Repeat last line 17 times. Don't worry if they don't make sense.
Column 1Column 2Column 3
Move itTriple BeatThe City Streets
Get UpBody HeatYou'll be Humpin
Pump It UpFeel the BeatBefore the Night is Over
Get DownGet AroundShake your Meat
Shake itThe Joint Is JumpinBustin Loose
Pump the JamFeet are StompinDisco Heat
BACKBEAT:
Program a drum machine in neverending 4/4 time. Add occasional snare.
BODY:
Add monotonous bass in one key. Overlay with punchy sounding synth. Get previously unknown singer to talk the lyrics so as not to test the range of the vocal chords.
PRODUCTION:
Put above ingredients together on master tape. Press discs. Give the label a suitably techno-funk sounding name, like "Mixmastermeatbeaters". Sell 5 million copies to more...

This guy walks into a bar and there is this jar with a lot of $10 bills in it. The guy asks why the jar is filled with $$$$$. and the bartenter says it is a game i am holding for the drunks. so the guy asks what the rules are. and the bartender says if u give me $10 i will tell u. so after the guy paid up. the bartender said the rules are, u have to drink a bottle of tabasco sauce with out making a face, go and pull the pit bulls loose tooth out back, and go give the granny upstairs an orgasim. and the guy says "screw that!" and walks off. about 20 minutes later he come back drunk and said ok i will play your game. so he drinks the tabasco sauce and dosent even blink. then he goes out back and you can hear the dog barking at him and then the guy screaming then the dog crying and screaming. so the guy comes back in and says where is the granny with the loose tooth.