Lord Jokes / Recent Jokes

A rabbi, burdened by the importance of his work, went into the synagogue to pray. Falling to his knees, he lamented, "O Lord, I am nothing! I am nothing!"
Just then a Jewish judge passed by and overhearing the prayer was moved to join the rabbi on his knees. Shortly, he too, was crying aloud, "O Lord, I too am nothing! I am nothing!"
The janitor of the temple, awed by the sight of the two men praying joined them, crying, "O Lord, I also am nothing! I am nothing!"
At this, the judge nudged the rabbi and said, "Now look who thinks he's nothing!"

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do - and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...
"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard more...

God one day decided he ought to check in with Adam to see how things were
going.
"Adam....How are things going?"
Adam replies that he considers himself quite fortunate to be living in such
a beautiful and peaceful place but he did have a couple of questions to ask,
if the Lord didn't mind, of course.
"No problem," said the Lord, "Ask away"
"Well Lord, I was wondering why you made Eve so beautiful? Not that I'm
complaining, mind you."
"Adam, I made Eve so beautiful so that you would like her."
"Oh, well yes, I do like her very much. Thank you Lord. You made her so
beautiful, but why is it then that you made her so stupid?"
"Well Adam, I had to make sure she liked you too!"

A woman was walking down the street when she saw a big black man.
She said, "you are a big ole man, how big are your arms?" He said,"20 inches ROUND."
She said," good lord those are some big ole arms. How big is your neck? He said,"24 inches ROUND."
She said,"good lord that is a big ole neck." How big is your thighs. He said,"32 inches ROUND.
She said,"good lord those are some big ole thighs."
At last she said, "I am sorry, but i have to ask how big is your dick. He said,"3 inches. She interuped him and yelled,"Your telling me that you arms are 20 inches ROUND, your neck is 24 inches ROUND, your thighs are 32 inches ROUND, and you have a three inch dick.
He said,"3 inches FROM THE GROUND.

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.
As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me Lord, please make that bear a Christian."
Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There aint no Lord!!"Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didnt."The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"