Lord Jokes / Recent Jokes

While out hunting one day, a man came upon a bear. He raised his gun and took a shot, but only grazed him. This angered the bear who took off after the hunter, chasing him for some distance through the woods.
Finally the man came to the edge of a cliff with nowhere to run. As the bear approached him, he began to pray, "Dear Lord, please give this bear a touch of religion."
The bear halted abruptly, looked up toward Heaven, and said, "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to eat."

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

Now I lay me down to study, I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
If I should fail to learn this junk, I pray the Lord I will not flunk.
But if I do, don't pity me at all, Just lay my bones in the study hall.
Tell my Prof I did my best, Then pile my books upon my chest.
Now I lay me down to rest, I pray I'll pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I'll have to take.

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a' kiss'?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a' caress'?"

So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."

And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, more...

Now I Lay Me
Down to Study,
I Pray the Lord I
Won't Go Nutty.
If I Should Fail to
Learn this Junk,
I Pray the Lord
I Will Not Flunk.
But If I Do,
Don't Pity Me at All,
Just Lay My Bones
In the Study Hall.
Tell My Prof
I Did My Best,
Then Pile My
Books upon My Chest.
Now I Lay Me
Down to Rest,
And Pray I'll Pass
Tomorrow's Test.
If I Should Die Before I Wake,
That's One less Test I'll Have to Take.

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson."
The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.
The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor. "Who are you?"
Smiling coyly, the patient replied, "I'm Lady Nelson."

DIRECTIONS FOR ADAM & EVE
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam more...