Lord Jokes / Recent Jokes

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed. Sister: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right... more...

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I`m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don`t see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I`m in the secret service.

You know you're gay when:
1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
9. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
10. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home and on your computer.
11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men's locker room.
12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
14. You know more...

1. I'm God. Don't play me.
(I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any other gods before me)
2. Don't be makin no hood ornaments and charms outta me, or like me.
(Thou shalt not have any graven images)
3. Don't be callin' me for no reason.
(Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain)
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sunday.
(Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy)
5. Don't dis or cuss out yo' momma....and if you know who ya daddy is, don't dis him either.
(Honor thy father and mother)
6. Don't be goin' on no drive by's.
(Thou shalt not kill)
7. Stick to ya' own Boo
(Thou shalt not commit adultery)
8. Don't be borrowing stuff and not give it back.
(Thou shalt not steal)
9. Don't be snitchin on the other man to save yourself.
(Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother)
10. Don't be eyein' your homie's crib, ride or woman.
(Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother)

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.
As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me Lord, please make that bear a Christian."
Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

There was this Punjabi minister (they do not always have to be sardarji) who, on the eve of his goodwill mission to Birmingham, was advised by his Tamilian secretary:' Sarr, be careful with your pronunciation of English words. Don't say diviyun, it is division, not "tallyviyyun, it is television, not maiyyur, it is measure.' And so on.
The minister made careful note of these tricky words. On arrival at Birmingham airport he was welcomed by the Lord Mayor of the city. The Punjabi minister, extending his hand, said,' How nice to meet you, Lord Measure!'