Lord Jokes / Recent Jokes
She married and had 6 children.
Her husband died.
She soon married again and had 3 more children.
Again, her husband died.
But she remarried and this time had 4 more children.
At last, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?"
The neighbor replied, "I think he's referring to her legs."
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I? m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You? d better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front-yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big more...
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wif e just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.
A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
God created the mule, and told him,' you will be Mule, workingconstantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years. The mule answered:' To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him,' you will hold vigilanceover the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion. Youwill eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'And the dog responded,' Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him,' You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.'And the monkey responded,' Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of theworld is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him,' You are Man, the only more...
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... .. he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be more...
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few more...