Lottery Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. She won the lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, "What should I name my house?" And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house "Butt" Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog "Crack".
One day about a month later she woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, "Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I can't find my Crack!"
Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them.
As an incentive to vote, the state of Arizona plans to offer $1 million to a lucky voter in a lottery drawn out of cast ballots. In addition, the voting booth will include a funhouse mirror and the candidates will be chosen in a "whack-a-mole" style arcade game.
The lottery and games are intended to attract the sought after, "almost retarded" demographic to the polling stations.
A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"The husband says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"She says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"
Banta buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to
Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
Banta says, "I want my $20 million."The man replied,
"No, Sir. It doesn`t work that way. We give you a million
today and then you`ll get the rest spread out for the
next 19 years."
Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it
and I want it."
Again, the man explained that he would only get a million that
day and the rest during the next 19 years.
Banta, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my
money! if you`re not going to give me my $20 million
right now, then I want my 1 dollar back!"
I man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I wanna open a f*ckin' checking acount". The teller, somewhat shocked says, "Excuse me"? and the man replies, "I said, I wanna open a f*ckin' checking acount"! So the teller states quite firmly, "If you want to talk like that, I can get the manager", but the man says back, "Go get the d*mn manager"!
She quickly gets up, goes into a back room, and returns with an older, well groomed man in a business suit.
The manager approaches the counter and asks, "Is there some sort of a problem"? To which the man relplies, "I wanna open a f*ckin' checking account". The manager, appauled with his language, says, "I beg your pardon"!?
The man seems a bit frustrated at this point, and he says, "Look... I just won $250 million in the state lottery, and I want to open a f*ckin' checking account".
The manager breathes a heavy sigh more...
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help."Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".Well, lottery night arrived and somebody else won the prize. Joe again looked up and prayed... "Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well!"Again, lottery night came and went and Joe still had no luck. Once again, he prayed... "Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order!!"Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe more...